Second Time Around

Today I was talking with Jason. We started talking about the difficulty of getting pregnant with Emerson versus the second round of trying. We tried to get pregnant with Emerson for a year before we started fertility. We were lucky that with the first round of clomid we were blessed with our sweet little baby boy. So, we didn't have to deal with as much fertility treatment failure sadness. However, we did have that year of monthly disappointment.

What we were talking about today was how much harder it is trying for the second child. Yes, we know that we are so blessed that we were able to get pregnant once. There are two main reasons that I personally am having a harder time this time around: we just can't get away and I know what it is like.

When we were trying with Emerson, we could just say okay this month SUCKS so let's get out. We were able to travel easily. We were able to spontaneously leave…without a kid in tow or having to find a babysitter. I can't just sulk for a full day because I know that I have to be a good mom to the kid that I already have. Which makes night times terrible since that is my only time to not have anyone to care for.

On to the second reason, I already know what it is like. I want a "big" family…at least 4 kids. I don't think that I can handle going through this process two more time after this. Jason always says that he wants to adopt. But I am having a hard time deciding that I can adopt because I already have a baby that is half me and half Jason. I don't know if I could give up on the idea of not having another. I personally think that we have a great combination together. So the idea of not being pregnant again is really hard for me.

I know that all of these hardships are selfish, but they are huge trials for us.

I do look at my friends that don't have babies that started trying basically when we started trying for Emerson and think that I am a terrible person because I already had the chance to carry a baby and have my flesh and blood carried on. I know that they have it terrible. I always hope that if one month I have a terrible one that they might have a good one. That would make me just as happy.

I am Jessica and I want another baby.

I have been trying to conceive baby #2 since July 2008. We started fertility treatments in May 2009. So far we have done 5 cycles of clomid and two cycles of clomid with intrauterine insemination. This week I started the 3^rd cycle with IUI. Let hope that it works this time.

I was researching our next option with our fertility process. As I was researching, I found that many doctors recommend 3-4 rounds of IUI before moving on to injectables or invetro infertilization (IVF). My doctor didn't ever say anything about that to me, but we haven't had an extensive conversation about my future options. It is going to be a struggle for us to decide what our next step is in this process. I think that we are going to continue with IUIs for a little while more however. Then we will move on to the much more expensive options whether it be IVF or adoption. Adoption, yes, is a much cheaper option, but it is emotionally pricey to me. I know that if we adopt, however, I will love that child as much as I love Emerson.

I understand that many people go through this process and have been struggling with is for much longer than I have. I understand that I have had it really great to this point. I also believe that I need a place to feel "bad" for myself and to write my own feelings. So here it is.