My turn.

Jason's surgery is done and he is healing well.  We won't know the results of the Varicocelectimy for a few more months.

Now it is my turn.  I have my surgery set for November 12.  There are actually two separate surgeries that will be preformed at this time.  They are a Laparoscopy and a Histeroscopy. 

During the Laparoscopy, they will cut me open and look at my uterus's outside.  They will see if there is any problems, such as endometriosis or scar tissues that can be preventing me from getting pregnant.  Then they will fix the problems if it is fixable.  They are also going to drill little holes into my overies to help drain the cysts that are there. 

In the Histeroscopy, they will look inside my uterus to see if there are any problems in there and fix them. 

I am really hoping that they will find something during this that is preventing pregnancy and will be able to fix it.  Then maybe in the future, we won't have to got through all these emotions again.  That would be WONDERFUL!  And maybe even better, we could have another baby on its way by this time next year. 

Decision made....Surgery it is.

Jason and I are just not made for baby making. We are broken. We are hoping to be able to get fixed.

So...

Jason is going in for a Varicocele surgery this coming Monday. It is 50% effective. So let hope that in six months we can have another IUI and have a positive outcome.

I am hoping to be able to go in to get a Laparoscopy and a Hysteroscopy in the next month or so. This will help us know if there is any problems in and out of my uterus and my ovaries. I am also going to have an ovarian drilling done to let some systs drain to see if that will help.

Now is to praying that the odd will all work out to our favor and we can have another baby on its way in the next year or so.

It's another no.

We are going to take a month break and make some decisions from there. I hate decisions!

I Love You Too Mommy.

"I LOVE YOU TOO MOMMY."

These are pretty much the BEST words that you can ever hear after a day of trying to figure out what out next step will be if we aren't pregnant from this most recent IUI.  Let me just say that I just wanted to cry because I am so blessed to have such a sweet little boy.  I love him so much...and who wouldn't want more of such a sweet thing.

Second Time Around

Today I was talking with Jason. We started talking about the difficulty of getting pregnant with Emerson versus the second round of trying. We tried to get pregnant with Emerson for a year before we started fertility. We were lucky that with the first round of clomid we were blessed with our sweet little baby boy. So, we didn't have to deal with as much fertility treatment failure sadness. However, we did have that year of monthly disappointment.

What we were talking about today was how much harder it is trying for the second child. Yes, we know that we are so blessed that we were able to get pregnant once. There are two main reasons that I personally am having a harder time this time around: we just can't get away and I know what it is like.

When we were trying with Emerson, we could just say okay this month SUCKS so let's get out. We were able to travel easily. We were able to spontaneously leave…without a kid in tow or having to find a babysitter. I can't just sulk for a full day because I know that I have to be a good mom to the kid that I already have. Which makes night times terrible since that is my only time to not have anyone to care for.

On to the second reason, I already know what it is like. I want a "big" family…at least 4 kids. I don't think that I can handle going through this process two more time after this. Jason always says that he wants to adopt. But I am having a hard time deciding that I can adopt because I already have a baby that is half me and half Jason. I don't know if I could give up on the idea of not having another. I personally think that we have a great combination together. So the idea of not being pregnant again is really hard for me.

I know that all of these hardships are selfish, but they are huge trials for us.

I do look at my friends that don't have babies that started trying basically when we started trying for Emerson and think that I am a terrible person because I already had the chance to carry a baby and have my flesh and blood carried on. I know that they have it terrible. I always hope that if one month I have a terrible one that they might have a good one. That would make me just as happy.

I am Jessica and I want another baby.

I have been trying to conceive baby #2 since July 2008. We started fertility treatments in May 2009. So far we have done 5 cycles of clomid and two cycles of clomid with intrauterine insemination. This week I started the 3^rd cycle with IUI. Let hope that it works this time.

I was researching our next option with our fertility process. As I was researching, I found that many doctors recommend 3-4 rounds of IUI before moving on to injectables or invetro infertilization (IVF). My doctor didn't ever say anything about that to me, but we haven't had an extensive conversation about my future options. It is going to be a struggle for us to decide what our next step is in this process. I think that we are going to continue with IUIs for a little while more however. Then we will move on to the much more expensive options whether it be IVF or adoption. Adoption, yes, is a much cheaper option, but it is emotionally pricey to me. I know that if we adopt, however, I will love that child as much as I love Emerson.

I understand that many people go through this process and have been struggling with is for much longer than I have. I understand that I have had it really great to this point. I also believe that I need a place to feel "bad" for myself and to write my own feelings. So here it is.